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What is a Living Funeral?
What is a Living Funeral?
A living funeral - or pre-funeral, death party, living memorial service, passage party - is a gathering with the intent to celebrate a person while they are still living. Some plan these events with the focus on spending time with family and friends before death, perhaps with the goal of giving loved ones time to reflect, comment and converse with a person before they are gone. Some plan living memorials simply to celebrate connections and relationships and the joy of living a mortal, human life. Others may struggle with the idea of death and choose to host a living funeral to offer a sense of closure and decrease anxiety or fear of dying.
Who should have a Living Funeral?
Who should have a Living Funeral?
The short answer is, anyone who wants one. In particular, people may plan a living funeral for themselves or their loved ones at any time. Some will plan an event after receiving the diagnosis of a life-ending illness. Others may look at their advancing age and feel it is time for a gathering - regardless of not being particularly close to death or knowing when it will come. Some may be experiencing the first symptoms of memory loss, and decide to host a party while their mind and body are still functioning well. Others may have had a close call, an injury, or experienced the loss of close friends and loved ones and recognize life is to be cherished and that life, today, calls for a party.
Client story: Jeannette's party
Client story: Jeannette's party
Dan & John knew that their mother, Jeannette*, had dementia. She was still cheerful, kind and as generous as ever, but now needed a daytime caregiver and frequent checks in the evening by Dan, who lived next door. Jeannette had been a single mother and the matriarch of a big, extended family living all up and down the Willamette Valley; in their youth, it was their house that hosted all of the friends after school. Jeannette had been known to be ready with a meal dropped off at someone's home, a loan when money was tight, or taking care of other children when parents were ill or caught up at their second job - a friendly, competent, funny spitfire and much loved caregiver through and through. Jeannette's "family" grew over the years and now also included several friends of her sons who were not related by blood but may as well have been. In the spring of her 77th year, Jeannette's two sons decided to throw her a party - while she was still able to recognize her family members, make warm conversation, have pictures taken and dance the night away. It wasn't a birthday party or a retirement party - it was simply to celebrate Jeannette and bring all of her family and close friends together. On the day of the party, Jeannette had trouble choosing what to wear, at one point musing, "look at all of these beautiful dresses! Maybe I'll just change six times!" She arrived at her son's home for the party in a champagne colored dress with lacy frills at the arms and skirt, a string of pearls around her neck. Family from nearby and hours away greeted her warmly. A mariachi band played and Jeannette danced with her sons. The smell of tacos and roasted meat filled the house as the caterer fed every guest. Friends had pictures taken in the photo booth, with an extra copy of each made, and at the end of the night a book of memories of the party was ready to be put together. Family and friends hugged Jeannette and sat with her and told stories. Jeannette's smile was wide and when asked if she was enjoying the party, said, "are you kidding me? If I knew it was going to be like this I'd throw one of these every year!" One week after the party, the memory book arrived in the mail at Jeannette's home. Her son later reported that each time he stopped by to visit, she was sitting with the photo book open, a wide smile on her face, looking at pictures and reliving her party.
Dan & John knew that their mother, Jeannette*, had dementia. She was still cheerful, kind and as generous as ever, but now needed a daytime caregiver and frequent checks in the evening by Dan, who lived next door. Jeannette had been a single mother and the matriarch of a big, extended family living all up and down the Willamette Valley; in their youth, it was their house that hosted all of the friends after school. Jeannette had been known to be ready with a meal dropped off at someone's home, a loan when money was tight, or taking care of other children when parents were ill or caught up at their second job - a friendly, competent, funny spitfire and much loved caregiver through and through. Jeannette's "family" grew over the years and now also included several friends of her sons who were not related by blood but may as well have been. In the spring of her 77th year, Jeannette's two sons decided to throw her a party - while she was still able to recognize her family members, make warm conversation, have pictures taken and dance the night away. It wasn't a birthday party or a retirement party - it was simply to celebrate Jeannette and bring all of her family and close friends together. On the day of the party, Jeannette had trouble choosing what to wear, at one point musing, "look at all of these beautiful dresses! Maybe I'll just change six times!" She arrived at her son's home for the party in a champagne colored dress with lacy frills at the arms and skirt, a string of pearls around her neck. Family from nearby and hours away greeted her warmly. A mariachi band played and Jeannette danced with her sons. The smell of tacos and roasted meat filled the house as the caterer fed every guest. Friends had pictures taken in the photo booth, with an extra copy of each made, and at the end of the night a book of memories of the party was ready to be put together. Family and friends hugged Jeannette and sat with her and told stories. Jeannette's smile was wide and when asked if she was enjoying the party, said, "are you kidding me? If I knew it was going to be like this I'd throw one of these every year!" One week after the party, the memory book arrived in the mail at Jeannette's home. Her son later reported that each time he stopped by to visit, she was sitting with the photo book open, a wide smile on her face, looking at pictures and reliving her party.
*Names and minor details have been changed for client's privacy.
Do I need to be close to death to throw a party like this?
Do I need to be close to death to throw a party like this?
Absolutely not! One of the most important goals of Second Valley Events is to change the way we think about gatherings and festivities in the latter half of life. So many of us are familiar with weddings, birthdays, anniversaries and funerals... but there are so many more times and reasons to celebrate our connections and our love for each other - and we should give ourselves permission to do so!
What sort of mood do people expect at Living Funerals?
Living funerals come in all types and sizes. Some throw large parties in an event space or restaurant or outdoor tent; others host small gatherings for family in their own homes and backyards, and everything in between. Mood and tone of these events can range from contemplative and nostalgic to wild and festive, allowing both the host and their guests to mourn, memorialize or celebrate their relationships and each other.
What kind of event could we throw for a Living Funeral?
Each celebration will be different, personal and unique. Events can range from a seated, catered meal to a picnic in a favorite park; a flower planting event in someone's garden; attending a concert together followed by renting lanes in a bowling alley. They can be potluck dinners or renting out a favorite pub or restaurant or a community gathering space such as The Kennedy School or TaborSpace. Guest lists can be intimate - perhaps just immediate family - or expansive. Guest arrivals can be staggered to allow a host to spend time with each individual in attendance; larger parties may have a defined start time and last well into the night.
What rituals or ceremonies can be included at a Living Funeral?
What rituals or ceremonies can be included at a Living Funeral?
Guests may choose to give toasts, recount favorite memories, or share what qualities they love or admire most about the person hosting the party. "Living eulogies" are a welcome way for people to express appreciation and love and also garner a feeling of closure. Ceremonies may include lighting candles, reading letters aloud, singing karaoke, taking photos in a photo booth, planting a garden, creating a cooperative art project, and more. The sky is the limit when it comes to choosing meaningful and personal forms of celebration.
How can I bring up the idea of a Living Funeral to my loved one?
How can I bring up the idea of a Living Funeral to my loved one?
It can be difficult to talk about dying and the end of life with loved ones. It can also be challenging to bring up the topic of a celebration when one is feeling poorly - whether with physical symptoms, anxiety or grief about the end of life. However, choosing to have a celebration near the end of life is a beautiful way to design one's own passing. A Living Funeral ensures the opportunity to enjoy one more time together and to make new memories with family and close friends before it is too late to share them. It also can provide a sense of closure and comfort for loved ones.
One way to bring up the topic of hosting an event near the end of life, but before death, is to ask questions:
Have you thought about gathering your loved ones around you to get to spend time with everyone before you go?
You have accomplished so much; do you think about bringing your friends and family together to celebrate your beautiful life?
Sometimes it seems it would be so lovely to attend your own funeral and hear the wonderful things everyone says about you. Would you consider having a pre-funeral, or a living funeral?
Although our culture tends to shy away from conversations around death and dying, many who are close to death are not afraid of talking about it and may in fact welcome frank discussions, questions and ideas about how they may want to design their own end of life.
Second Valley Events is here to help you brainstorm and create just the right gathering in just the right setting, and to think through what kind of ceremony, rituals and event style would fit you best.
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