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Living Funerals &
What is a Living Funeral?
What is a Living Funeral?
A living funeral - or pre-funeral, living wake, passage party - is a gathering with the intent to celebrate a person while they are still living.
These events allow us to spend time with family and friends before death, to hear the things our loved ones have to say and to spend time reveling in our closest relationships with the people we love.
Some are celebratory and joyous. Some are reflective and intimate. Living funerals are always very meaningful and personal, and important both to the person who is dying and those who get to attend.
Some plan living memorials simply to celebrate connections and relationships and the joy of living a mortal, human life. Others may struggle with the idea of death and choose to host a living funeral to offer a sense of closure and decrease anxiety or fear of dying. All living funerals are uniquely personal and incredibly meaningful.
What is a Celebration of Life?
What is a Celebration of Life?
A celebration of life is a memorial service for someone who has passed. It is different from a funeral in that it can be planned over time and can take place days, weeks, months or even years after someone has died.
A celebration of life is a gathering to honor, remember, celebrate, mourn for, share humorous stories about, and really capture the essence of a person who is no longer with us. It gives friends and family a way to remember and honor someone with more time in planning, to be sure the event is just what matches the person best.
Who should have a Living Funeral?
Who should have a Living Funeral?
The short answer is, anyone who wants one. In particular, people may plan a living funeral for themselves or their loved ones at any time. Some will plan an event after receiving the diagnosis of a life-ending illness. Others may look at their advancing age and feel it is time for a gathering - regardless of not being particularly close to death or knowing when it will come. Some may be experiencing the first symptoms of memory loss, and decide to host a party while their mind and body are still functioning well. Others may have had a close call, an injury, or experienced the loss of close friends and loved ones and recognize life is to be cherished and that life, today, calls for a party.
Client story: Jeannette's party
Client story: Jeannette's party
Dan & John knew that their mother, Jeannette*, had dementia. She was still cheerful, kind and as generous as ever, but now needed a daytime caregiver and frequent checks in the evening by Dan, who lived next door. Jeannette had been a single mother and the matriarch of a big, extended family living all up and down the Willamette Valley. She had two sons but over a dozen people who considered her a second mom. For her whole life she had been well known as a much loved, friendly, fiercely competent, generous and funny spitfire.
Dan & John knew that their mother, Jeannette*, had dementia. She was still cheerful, kind and as generous as ever, but now needed a daytime caregiver and frequent checks in the evening by Dan, who lived next door. Jeannette had been a single mother and the matriarch of a big, extended family living all up and down the Willamette Valley. She had two sons but over a dozen people who considered her a second mom. For her whole life she had been well known as a much loved, friendly, fiercely competent, generous and funny spitfire.
In the spring of her 78th year, Jeannette was diagnosed with breast cancer, on top of her dementia diagnosis. It was then that her two sons decided to throw her a party - while she was still able to recognize her family members, make warm conversation, have pictures taken and dance the night away. It wasn't a birthday party or a retirement party - it was simply a party to celebrate Jeannette and bring all of her family and close friends together.
In the spring of her 78th year, Jeannette was diagnosed with breast cancer, on top of her dementia diagnosis. It was then that her two sons decided to throw her a party - while she was still able to recognize her family members, make warm conversation, have pictures taken and dance the night away. It wasn't a birthday party or a retirement party - it was simply a party to celebrate Jeannette and bring all of her family and close friends together.
On the day of the party, Jeannette had trouble choosing what to wear, at one point musing, "look at all of these beautiful dresses! Maybe I'll just have to change six times!" She arrived at her son's home for the party in a gorgeous champagne colored dress, a string of pearls around her neck. Family from nearby and hours away greeted her warmly. A mariachi band arrived, started playing on the patio, and Jeannette danced with her sons in the middle of the family crowd. The smell of tacos and roasted meat filled the house as the caterer fed every guest. Friends and family donned party hats, boas and big glasses and had pictures taken together in the photo booth. An extra copy of each photo was printed on site, and at the end of the night a book of memories of the party was ready to be put together. Family and friends hugged Jeannette through the evening, sometimes in line to get to talk with her, and sat beside her telling stories and reminiscing.
On the day of the party, Jeannette had trouble choosing what to wear, at one point musing, "look at all of these beautiful dresses! Maybe I'll just have to change six times!" She arrived at her son's home for the party in a gorgeous champagne colored dress, a string of pearls around her neck. Family from nearby and hours away greeted her warmly. A mariachi band arrived, started playing on the patio, and Jeannette danced with her sons in the middle of the family crowd. The smell of tacos and roasted meat filled the house as the caterer fed every guest. Friends and family donned party hats, boas and big glasses and had pictures taken together in the photo booth. An extra copy of each photo was printed on site, and at the end of the night a book of memories of the party was ready to be put together. Family and friends hugged Jeannette through the evening, sometimes in line to get to talk with her, and sat beside her telling stories and reminiscing.
Jeannette's smile was wide and when asked if she was enjoying the party, she said, "are you kidding me? If I knew it was going to be like this I'd throw one of these every year!"
Jeannette's smile was wide and when asked if she was enjoying the party, she said, "are you kidding me? If I knew it was going to be like this I'd throw one of these every year!"
One week after the party, the memory book arrived in the mail at Jeannette's home. Her son noticed that each time he stopped by to visit, she was sitting with the photo book open, a wide smile on her face, reliving her party.
One week after the party, the memory book arrived in the mail at Jeannette's home. Her son noticed that each time he stopped by to visit, she was sitting with the photo book open, a wide smile on her face, reliving her party.
Five months after her party, Jeannette died peacefully in her home, with her sons at her bedside.
Five months after her party, Jeannette died peacefully in her home, with her sons at her bedside.
*Names and minor details have been changed for client's privacy.
Do I need to be close to death to throw a party like this?
Do I need to be close to death to throw a party like this?
Absolutely not! One of the most important goals of Second Valley Events is to change the way we think about gatherings and festivities in the latter half of life. So many of us are familiar with weddings, birthdays, anniversaries and funerals... but there are so many more times and reasons to celebrate our connections and our love for each other - and we should give ourselves permission to do so!
What sort of mood do people expect at Living Funerals?
Living funerals come in all types and sizes. Some throw large parties in an event space or restaurant or outdoor tent; others host small gatherings for family in their own homes and backyards, and everything in between. Mood and tone of these events can range from contemplative and nostalgic to wild and festive, allowing both the host and their guests to mourn, memorialize or celebrate their relationships and each other.
What kind of event could we throw for a Living Funeral?
Each celebration will be different, personal and unique. Events can range from a seated, catered meal to a picnic in a favorite park; a flower planting event in someone's garden; attending a concert together followed by renting lanes in a bowling alley. They can be potluck dinners or renting out a favorite pub or restaurant or a community gathering space. Guest lists can be intimate - perhaps just immediate family - or expansive. Guest arrivals can be staggered to allow a host to spend time with each individual in attendance; larger parties may have a defined start time and last well into the night.
What rituals or ceremonies can be included at a Living Funeral?
What rituals or ceremonies can be included at a Living Funeral?
Guests may choose to give toasts, recount favorite memories, or share what qualities they love or admire most about the person hosting the party. "Living eulogies" are a welcome way for people to express appreciation and love and also garner a feeling of closure. Ceremonies may include lighting candles, reading letters aloud, singing karaoke, taking photos in a photo booth, planting a garden, creating a cooperative art project, and more. The sky is the limit when it comes to choosing meaningful and personal forms of celebration.
How can I bring up the idea of a Living Funeral to my loved one?
How can I bring up the idea of a Living Funeral to my loved one?
It can be difficult to talk about dying and the end of life with loved ones. It can also be challenging to bring up the topic of a celebration when one is feeling poorly - whether with physical symptoms, anxiety or grief about the end of life. However, choosing to have a celebration near the end of life is a beautiful way to design one's own passing. A living funeral ensures the opportunity to enjoy one more time together and to make new memories with family and close friends before it is too late to share them. It also can provide a sense of closure and comfort for loved ones.
One way to bring up the topic of hosting an event near the end of life, but before death, is to ask questions:
Have you thought about gathering your loved ones around you to get to spend time with everyone before you go?
You have accomplished so much; do you think about bringing your friends and family together to celebrate your beautiful life?
Sometimes it seems it would be so lovely to attend your own funeral and hear the wonderful things everyone says about you. Would you consider having a pre-funeral, or a living funeral?
Although our culture tends to shy away from conversations around death and dying, many who are close to death are not afraid of talking about it and may in fact welcome frank discussions, questions and ideas about how they may want to design their own end of life.
Second Valley Events is here to help you brainstorm and create just the right gathering in just the right setting, and to think through what kind of ceremony, rituals and event style would fit you best.
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